Story 12 - Fire! Fire!...with added action
There it was again—a voice. A young voice. It cried from inside the fire.
It was late and I was returning home from a long shift at the hospital. A crisp, cold air wrapped itself around me, seeping into my bones. My jacket was barely able to keep out the elements. I would have bought a new one but nursing didn't pay well; times were tight and food was more important than warmth. I walked down the street, the bus having detoured and dropped me farther from my flat than I’d hoped. I wasn’t scared—I knew these streets well—but exhaustion weighed heavy on me. With only a few hours before my next shift, every minute of sleep counted. My friends and family had told me to quit and find other work. But how could I quit on the sick? If I didn't help, who would? As I stuffed my hands deeper into my pockets and trudged closer to home, the sudden screech of a fire engine jolted me alert. It zipped around the bend just in front of me, the siren stopping seconds later. I raced forward, rounded the corner, and was met with a terrifying sight.
White-hot embers shot into the air, flying like nefarious demons into the night sky. Clouds of black smoke twirled and whirled, choking the gathered crowd. The malicious heat toasted the air, warming my flesh. CRASH! Sparks and ash erupted as a wall came crashing down. The house was ablaze, and I didn’t believe the firefighters could tame this tyrannical demon. Bright orange flames flickered in the air like snakes' tongues, hissing and spitting embers and ash. The violent heat forced the crowd back as a shudder rumbled from within the burning building; it was like the house was crying out for a saviour.
Then, I heard it.
My heart leapt in my chest like a caged tiger. Nerves danced up my spine. I strained to listen. There it was again—a voice. A young voice. It cried from inside the fire.
I looked around at the other gawking onlookers, but no one else registered the same fear I felt. No one had heard it, not even the firefighters. As usual, it was up to me.
I rushed toward the house and leapt through an open doorway. Flames were everywhere, heat clawing at my flesh. "Fire! Fire!" my brain screamed. "Get out of here!" But my heart urged me to find the voice. There. There it was again. In the next room. Smash! I clattered through another door, the floorboards crumbling beneath me. Louder. I could hear it. Boom! The ceiling fell in. No. I must. I must get there. Now. I darted toward the sound, no concern for my own safety. I was close. Louder. Closer. Nearly there. I waved the smoke away, coughing, tears streaming as the heat and smoke stung my eyes. I could see it—a figure, crying, whimpering. I reached out a hand. Hot! I snatched it back. One more chance. I grabbed it. Plastic. Melting, plastic. Not flesh. Plastic. A toy. A doll. A toy doll making a whining sound. A kid's doll with a broken voice box, whining. I had risked my life for a doll. Crash! Another wall tumbled down. I was trapped! What a fool I had been.
Quick-Fire Questions:
What was the narrator returning from when they encountered the fire?
A long night of work at the hospital as a nurse.
What caused the narrator to become alert as they walked home?
The sudden screech of a fire engine.
What did the narrator initially think they heard inside the burning house?
A young voice crying from inside the fire.
Inference Questions:
Why does the narrator's jacket remind them that "times were tight"? What does this suggest?
This suggests the narrator is experiencing issues with being poor. This means they have to make food a priority over clothing.
Why does the narrator feel a strong sense of responsibility to act upon hearing the voice, even though the firefighters do not?
The narrator's sense of duty and empathy, possibly driven by their experience as a nurse, compels them to take action despite the dangers.
How do the descriptions of the fire (e.g., "white-hot embers," "malicious heat," "bright orange flames flickered in the air like snakes' tongues") enhance the mood of the scene?
These descriptions use vivid imagery and personification to create a sense of danger and urgency, making the scene more intense and frightening.
WEAPONS OF ACTION!
Weapon 1 - The Snappy Sentence
Snappy sentences are when we literally snap a sentence—we break it. Sometimes we break it into two parts and sometimes many more.
I heard the noise from the next room.
Yawn.
There. A noise. And again. From the next room.
Tense! Exciting! Snappy!
“But those are not accurate sentences,” says Grammarly McGrammarface. “You’re breaking the rules!”
“Yes I am,” I reply, defiantly.
I’m ok with the idea of teaching grammar and punctuation through a more prescriptive approach, but only up to a certain point. At some stage we have to take a more descriptive approach. This means ‘breaking the rules’ so that punctuation becomes more of a tool than a rule, a tool to help us impact the reader.
Have a go at reading the following sentence out loud.
I ducked down low and scampered hurriedly forward as the ferocious flames roared like a pack of wild lions and sickening smoke suffocated every corner and crevice with a black blanket of death.
Did you pause at any point? Did you take a breath?
If so, why? There’s no comma. There is no punctuation at all.
Read it out loud again without pausing. Take a deep breath and go!
I ducked down low and scampered hurriedly forward as the ferocious flames roared like a pack of wild lions and sickening smoke suffocated every corner and crevice with a black blanket of death.
Breathless, right?
And why might I want my reader to feel breathless?
Because the character is breathless. The character is running through a house which is full of fire and smoke.
Sometimes we can use punctuation to impact the reader in this way. Conversely, adding lots of full stops and snapping our sentences into separate chunks can lead to shallow, sharp, and short breaths, which can also leave the reader breathless and panicky. If you have ever had any form of anxiety attack, you’ll know that breathing is the key to calm. Therefore, by manipulating my reader’s breathing through punctuation, I can induce a sense of panic. Even if they read this in their head, there will still be a sense of urgency that accompanies it. And here comes the Writer’s War—the battle of Clarity vs Creativity. It’s an endless struggle, and as authors, we have to make a choice. Manipulate the punctuation for effect and impact, or stick to the standardised rules to ensure the reader understands. The choice is yours, not Grammarly McGrammarface’s.
Many teachers may disagree with me here. They might think that teaching children to ‘break the rules’ is wrong and will lead to worse writing. However, when children read, they’ll come across hundreds of thousands of instances where authors ‘break the rules’.
“One rule for you, and another rule for them!” is hardly the lasting impression we want to leave on our young writers.
I’ve been asked many times, “Doesn’t this just give them an excuse to use bad punctuation?” Well, firstly, it’s not bad punctuation. In fact, it could be argued that it is a very good use of punctuation. Secondly, they still need to be able to explain their choices. If clarity is lost, it needs fixing. If it's too hard to read, it needs fixing. If it doesn’t leave any impact, it needs fixing. So, this isn’t a way of excusing bad writing; it’s a way of showing them that punctuation is part of the weaponry we have as writers.
Imagine a battle scene in a film. How boring would it be if the camera stayed still and just observed the fight? Directors, editors, and cinematographers are incredibly creative when it comes to making scenes exciting for the viewer. The D-Day scene in Saving Private Ryan is one of the most incredible moments in cinematic history. Not only is its pertinence palpable, but Steven Spielberg grips the audience through a rich variety of techniques such as shaky-cam, close-ups, and silence. Shaky-cam is the filmic equivalent of snappy sentences. Directors who adopt this technique are doing the opposite of what we’d expect from seasoned experts; they are ‘breaking the rules’. In this scene, there is also some grainy footage you’d normally expect from low-budget horrors, not million-dollar Hollywood blockbusters; once again, Spielberg is ‘breaking the rules’. Most importantly, he approached the scene in a creative way and tried his best to respect and honour the soldiers who gave their lives that day. He owed them a piece of cinema that would resonate with the audience and leave an impact, ensuring we will never forget. As writers, whether working on crucial moments in history such as war scenes or fun, action-packed fights between aliens and humans, we owe it to our characters to leave an impact on our reader. To do this, we can use the weapons of action listed below.
WEAPONRY:
Snappy sentences: Break sentences to create tension and speed.
Repetition: Use repeated phrases or words for emphasis and rhythm.
Onomatopoeia: Incorporate sound words to immerse the reader. Add an exclamation mark if you like.
Verbs: Choose strong, action packed verbs to drive the scene.
Occasional longer sentences: Use longer sentences to provide a contrast and slow the pace momentarily.
Thoughts: Include the character's thoughts to add depth and emotion.
EXERCISES:
Have a go at the following two tasks. A PDF is available here to print them out.
Highlight and colour code the text by finding examples of all the weapons of action used. Allow your parent/teacher to check the answer sheet below to fully understand the task.
ANSWERS:
Rewrite the following tedious and dull text by using the weapons of action listed above. Add anything else that works as well. Have fun and good luck!